Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
