I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
