dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
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