well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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