just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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