I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
