after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
