Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
