It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
