Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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