totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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