I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
