Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
