He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You are the jesus of drinking
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
