Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she peed on how many people?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
