So drunk its hurt
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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