guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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