He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
