her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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