Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
