whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
foreskin is a definite game changer
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
MIDGETS
????
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
