we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize