True but thats because hes a fetus.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
