Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
