I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
