he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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