god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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