Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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