i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Plan B is the new Plan A
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
