I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
