saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
