I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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