I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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