Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
