you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
