Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You're earring is so big in my mouth
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
