Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
