i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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