I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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