dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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