Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
