Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
