just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
