I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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