Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
