I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
