Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
