Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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