I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
