also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
