Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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