That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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